Two Miles South of Nowhere
by ducksgoQUACK
Summary: It all started with a DG soldier in the wrong place at the wrong time... Oneshot. WARNING: Destructive Fangirlism.


**A/N:** _This is based off a conversation some of my friends and I had one night after I thought a flag beside the road was a Deepground soldier. (A sure sign I've played too much DoC.) We laughed our butts off…I hope you guys are amused as well. I can never tell if my own work is funny or not, so I'm always paranoid about these things… O.o Pim, of course, is based off my inner fangirl, and the inner fangirliness of my friends, without any restrictions like common sense to stop her from getting what she wants. This is DoC related, but I don't think you need to have played DoC to understand the fic._

_Once you've read, please review! And also, if you've got the spare time, you should check out my new lj page (you can find it on my profile, under "homepage". I have an Advent Children poll up and everything. ; )_

**Disclaimer:** _I don't own Final Fantasy VII. I feel so depressed everytime I say that… _

- - - - - - - - - -

It was a dark and stormy night.

Or at least, that's what Pim liked to think. Pim, like many other (but not all) fangirls, had a deep craving for her own life to be as dramatic as the video games and animés and mangas that she loved.

So, even though it was merely partly cloudy and the only precipitation was a half-hearted drizzle that had ended twenty minutes ago, Pim told herself it was a dark and stormy night and trudged on bravely through the gloom, waiting for something exciting to happen—despite the fact that deep down, she had a sinking feeling nothing truly thrilling would ever happen in her personal universe.

…and that's when she spotted the Deepground soldier.

- - - - - - - - - -

He stood with his rifle to one side, staring off at the dark hills, the few scattered houses with their golden-lit windows, the fleecy gray clouds that scuttled across the inky black sky. He had no idea where he was, but that didn't really matter.

The soldier knew he'd been dozing before—back when he was still in on watch in familiar surroundings, with the rest of his squad. The last thing he could remember was someone commenting on how strange the sky looked, and then he found himself waking up beside this country road, two miles south of nowhere.

Not that he was about to move. The last time someone had left their post, they'd had to listen to Rosso rant about how completely worthless and unworthy of Deepground they were, and then she'd killed the poor soul just because she could. He wasn't sure which would be worse—dying, or having to listen to Rosso tell him how "vorthless" he was for a solid hour.

He glanced up and spotted the first person he'd seen since he woke up—a teenage girl, holding a loaf of bread under one arm, staring at him with her mouth wide open. "D-dee…deep…ground…" she said in a trembling voice, pointing at him with one hand.

The soldier sighed. "Look, kid," he told her. "I really don't think you're a threat, and I don't feel like wasting my ammo on you. If you run straight home, I'll pretend I never saw you, and we'll call it even. All right?"

The girl (who, as you may have guessed, was none other than our girl Pim) stared at him for a second, then dropped the bread she was carrying and looked at him thoughtfully. "Are you kidding me?" Pim asked, gathering her wits at last. "This is it."

The soldier frowned. "This is what?"

Pim's eyes gleamed. "It's my One Big Chance," she answered seriously. Then she tackled him.

- - - - - - - - - -

The lone WRO soldier walked quietly along the road, trying to spot a landmark. He knew he should've arrived at headquarters by now, but he hadn't seen anything remotely familiar for the last hour or so. However, like a true soldier, the young man clung to the hope that if he just kept trudging on, eventually he'd come across something recognizable. One thing was certain—if he ever found his way back to headquarters, he was never getting separated from his unit again.

"Heeeeelp! Help me! This Deepground soldier is going to kill me! Come save me, Vincent! Heeeelp!"

The high-pitched screams made the soldier jump. He wondered how on earth the girl knew that he was nearby, and that his name was Vincent—not the Vincent of red-caped, sleep-in-a-coffin fame, of course, but Vincent all the same. That wasn't important, though; what was important was that a civilian was in danger, and his duty was to protect her.

Vincent raced down the road as quickly as he could. He quickly came across the apparent source of the screams—a teenage girl (yes, that would be Pim), wrestling on the ground with a Deepground soldier. She was still screaming at the top of her lungs, and now that Vincent was closer he could hear the Deepground soldier yelling things like "Let go of me, brat!" and "What is wrong with you?"

But no matter how little sense the soldier's yells made, Vincent was still seasoned enough to know that Deepground was always bad news. The two were moving too much for him to use his gun effectively, so instead Vincent gave the Deepground soldier a swift kick to the back of his head. The soldier rolled to one side and was still; Pim gave a dramatic sigh and appeared to pass out. Vincent knelt beside her with a worried frown and laid one hand on her shoulder.

"Oh, Vincent," she murmured, her eyes fluttering open. "You saved...me…" Suddenly she sat up, giving him a disapproving scowl. "Who the heck are you?"

"I'm Vincent," Vincent replied.

Pim frowned. "No, you're not."

Vincent smiled wryly. "I'm afraid you have me confused with Mr. Vincent Valentine."

"You mean I got a poor man's Vincent?" Pim asked, exasperated.

"Don't worry, happens all th--" Vincent suddenly stopped and slumped sideways.

Pim laid down the rock she'd used to bash Vincent in the head. "Here we go again," she sighed. With that, she dusted off her hands and dragged the WRO soldier's unconscious body onto her own, then started screeching. "Heeeelp! The suddenly-turned-evil WRO guy is raping me! Help! Rape! Raaaaaape!"

Scarcely had Pim begun yelling when she heard the arrhythmic thuds of someone running up to her. The WRO soldier was knocked aside, and again Pim began her dramatic semi-conscious act. "Oh, thank you for saving me, Vincent!" she breathed.

"I'm afraid ye have th' wrong guy, lassie," a familiar voice answered.

Pim's eyes shot open, and she sat up with an exasperated sigh. "Tell me you're not Cait Sith," she grumbled.

"An' who else would I be?" the small stuffed cat answered. "Are ye alright, lass?"

"No," Pim grumbled, standing up. "Vincent's not coming, is he?"

"I'd say he's a wee bit smarter than that," Cait Sith replied.

"Figures." Pim glanced around, spotted the loaf of bread she'd dropped earlier, and wiped off the plastic packaging with one hand.

"Don' look so down, lass!" Cait Sith told her. "Ye saw a Deepground soldier, an' a WRO soldier, an' me! How many o' yer friends can claim that, eh?"

Pim looked down at the stuffed cat thoughfully. "You know, you do have a point," she answered slowly.

Cait Sith smiled.

Pim knocked the stuffed cat into the mud with one foot. "…but I would've taken it better if Vincent had said it," she called over her shoulder as she continued walking down the road.

- - - - - - - - - -

On board the Shera, Reeve sat back and shook his head, looking slightly amused. "I suppose some things never change," he commented.

Vincent glanced at Reeve. "What is it?" he asked.

"Nothing important," Reeve replied. "But I advise you to stay clear of your fangirls. They can be very violent."

Vincent looked slightly confused, but nodded. "If you say so."

- - - - - - - - - -

On the ground beside the road, Vincent (the WRO soldier, not the ex-Turk) sat up, holding his head and grimacing. "What happened?" he asked.

Cait Sith patted his arm. "Don' worry, the lass is gone," he told Vincent. "We ought to be leaving as well."

Vincent stood somewhat unsteadily. "Lead the way," he replied.

Cait Sith glanced over his shoulder as they walked. "You know," he commented, "You really ought to consider changing your name. Being named Vincent could be dangerous."

Vincent gingerly felt the lump on the side of his head. "Yeah. I know."

- - - - - - - - - -

_There you have it! I hope you guys enjoyed this—I know it probably wasn't all that funny, but still. If you would like this to be a series or chaptered story featuring other FF7 characters (instead of a oneshot), let me know._

_Please take the time to review:)_


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